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Rule of thumb

December 15, 2020

Once again, over the weekend, I was informed that I terrify some people. This always astonishes me. I mean, fair enough, if you’re a complete knobhead, it’s probably a good idea to steer clear. But if you’re not? Why would you be terrified of me?

And then I always remember. Oh, right, sarcasm. There are a lot of Canadians who do not understand it.

So, here’s a general rule of thumb: If I am being sarcastic with you, it means I like you. If I am being painfully polite it means I wish you’d fuck off and die. (Which was how the landlord of my local in London knew I couldn’t stand the manager. Oddly, two days after he’d confirmed this with me, said manager was gone. I had no idea how much power my sarcasm – or lack thereof – could wield.)

Here’s another thing: As you’ve probably noticed I like to swear, I really fucking do. I also judge people (severely) when their grammar isn’t up to snuff. No surprise then, that a friend thought of me when she saw this mug and sent it to me for my birthday last month.

As a general rule, if you’ve never heard me swear, I probably don’t like you much either.

Although that does remind me of a funny story.

When I was in my very early twenties, my mother came round to visit me in my new flat. I was still sorting it out. While she drank her tea, I climbed onto a chair to hammer a picture hook into the wall. I managed to hit my thumb and without thinking said “FUCK!!!” really loudly. Then I realised I’d just said fuck in front of my mother. I turned to face her and apologised. She just smiled at me and said, “I lived through the Blitz, dear. I have heard the word before.”

Anyway, anyway.

The show’s over. Word perfect final performance on Sunday. There was a glitch in Saturday evening’s show, but for once it wasn’t me. Fortunately it was the final show they were filming, so when I finally get to see it as an audience member would, there will be no cock up on my part. Hurrah!

So, show’s over. Things to do. For example, remove the Ali Baba set panels from my front room.

Rhodo Dave is coming around this afternoon with his truck to shift them back into storage. I’ve actually kind of got used to them being there. It will be a bit strange to once again be able to see the desk from the bed.

As I said, things to do, so I’m fucking out of here.

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