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Dear UK voter

June 7, 2017

Imagine for a moment that tomorrow Americans were given a chance for a do over. Imagine the 2016 election was being repeated. Yes, many of Donald Trump’s die hard supporters would vote for him again. But many others have voter’s remorse. The latter are people who didn’t realise that Obamacare and the Affordable Care Act were one and the same or people who genuinely believed it was time to shake things up, confident as they cast their ballot that nothing could be worse than the status quo. And then there are the people who, disliking both candidates equally, didn’t bother to vote at all. What do you think the result would be? Would the US have its first female President? Yes, it would.

Of course, US voters don’t have that option. They can only watch the chaos unfold until Trump is impeached or resigns or until 2018 when they can vote the Republicans out of their majorities in the Senate and House of Representatives.

But you, dear UK voter, do have that option tomorrow.

To all of you who Googled “what is the EU?” the day after the referendum, now you know, so think on.

To the voters in Scotland, I say keep the heid. Scottish National Party members of Parliament could have a much stronger voice on Friday. (And, unlike the rest of the United Kingdom, if Theresa May gets the majority she expected, you do have the option of getting the hell out of the union and back into the EU. Count your blessings.)

To the voters of Wales, I say whatever the Welsh equivalent is of keep the heid. In your heart of hearts you know that if anyone actually benefits from Brexit, it won’t be Wales, so get rid of those 11 Tory MPs. Replace them with Labour or Plaid Cymru.

To the voters of Northern Ireland (who rejected Brexit), a plea. You’ve got options. After decades of undeclared war waged to keep Ulster British, if the worst came to the worst (that Tory majority), you could stay in the EU by holding your own referendum and reuniting with the rest of Ireland. Lucky you. But tomorrow, please think of the Welsh and the English who don’t have that option. Think about playing a role in restoring sanity throughout the country. You know the Democratic Unionists will prop up Theresa May if she ends up with a minority government. Tomorrow vote Labour or LibDem or even (just this once) SDLP. Do your bit.

To the voters of northern England whose lives and livelihoods were attacked by Thatcher, but who felt somehow the EU was equally to blame, the voters who may justifiably have believed in voting to leave that £350 million a week going to the NHS was better than £350 million a week going to Brussels, I say this: Tories lie. You know that. Yes, yes, all politicians lie, but Tories are the worst. You know that. Tories have never given a fuck about people in Lancashire, Yorkshire or Northumberland. You know that. Nothing in the north is going to get better if the Tories go ahead with Brexit. You know that. So re-elect your Labour MPs.

To the voters of London, I say keep calm and carry on. Overall, you’re doing just fine. Fuck terrorists and fuck Brexit.

To the smug middle Englanders, I say this: stay home tomorrow or go fox hunting or do whatever the hell you like to do to feel as if the “good old days” never went away. (Okay, I know nothing will keep you away from the polling station. You’re too close to having your wet dream come true.)

The LibDems are the only party who are officially calling this election a referendum on the referendum, who promise that kicking the Tories out will change the record.  Jeremy Corbyn is not saying this, as much as I wish he would. The LibDems are right, dear UK voter. This is your chance.

Give Labour 300 seats (and the Tories fewer). Not a majority, but plenty when you add the LibDems (who will hopefully have replaced quite a few Tories), the SNP, SDLP, and Plaid Cymru, all of whom will rally round if Labour prioritises nixing Brexit.

Do it for me. Do it for yourself. Do it for the future of the United Kingdom. And do it for Europe, which will be stronger with the UK actively engaged. (God knows the world needs a counterbalance to the madness of Donald Trump.) Please.

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