Wednesday, February 8th

Yes, I know there was no entry yesterday morning. I had been planning to write something about the difference between solitude and loneliness. (Another day perhaps.)

Then I spent most of the night tossing and turning, unable to stop thinking about all the work involved in directing Motor Trade and how much I did not want to do it. Finally drifted off to sleep sometime after four in the morning. When I woke up, I decided: enough already. Instead of sitting down to write about solitude versus loneliness, I sat down and wrote a message to two members of the board whom I consider friends, in which I explained that I needed to put my mental health first. I could not direct this play. One of them responded almost immediately with his full support. Anyway, the job is done. I’m out.

So, a real mental health day. Now I can concentrate on what I want to do: enjoy working on my play.

I know I’m probably over sensitive at the moment, but afterwards it occurred to me that I’m really not feeling the love from this little theatre company. Before switching the computer on just now, I made a list of all the productions since the beginning of the 2013/14 season. There have been (including the play I’m working on at the moment) seventeen shows, out of which I have directed, acted in or produced fifteen. In a number of cases I was both the producer and a cast member. In two cases I also wrote the play. Don’t get me wrong. I have for the most part thoroughly enjoyed my involvement in every one of these shows.

A couple of years ago, when one of the board members resigned before her four-year term was completed, the board gave her (at my suggestion) a bottle of her favourite gin. Last year, after I’d completed my four-year term, what did I get? Nothing. Not even a card. And, yes, I was disappointed.

In addition to all that directing, acting and producing I’ve done, one of the other things I took on as a board contribution was the newsletter. I turned it into an attractive publication which was also a good read. After I’d stepped down, one of my friends on the board suggested that, rather than struggling to produce something of the same quality they might offer me a token fee to continue writing and designing it. The suggestion was rejected. Nice.

And then of course there was getting mugged at the silent auction last month by one of the board members.

No, overall, I’m really not feeling the love.

Owing to strange by-laws board members must step down after completing four years. After a year they are welcome to come back. There seems to be a general assumption that I’ll be back come September. I certainly thought so last year as I prepared to step down. Now I’m not so sure. Yes, it’s a chance to get together once a month with some people I really like, but surely there are other ways of meeting up? Surely, if they like me as much as I like them, we’d still being seeing one another? And if not, oh, well, I guess I was wrong.

Yes, yes. I really am feeling sorry for myself and hard done by on this subject and for that reason I am going to close it.

I’m breaking out today! Yesterday I spent an hour before Charlie came to pick me up for rehearsal raking enough snow and ice at the front of the house to be able to turn the car around. Yes, raking. I quickly realised that trying to shovel ice would take forever. There is more snow (grrr) in the forecast for later today, but before that happens, I am getting out of here under my own steam. Rather than relying on Charlie to buy coffee and fags and, yesterday, water, I am going to go to the village all by myself and do a shop. By this time tomorrow, I’ll probably be snowed in again, but that’s okay. More time to read and perhaps time for that reflection on solitude and loneliness.

For now, I need to get going before it does start to snow.