Dear streaming services,

Yes, I’m talking to you Netflix and Prime and Apple and BritBox.

Let me explain something to you. Withholding is not appreciated.

I can’t afford to fork out every month for multiple services. So, when I heard that Apple was launching the third series of Slow Horses in November, I knew it was time to give up Netflix for a while. 

Except I couldn’t give up Netflix until I’d seen the final series of The Crown. 

Which was fine until I discovered, oh, only half the final series was being released in November, the remaining half a month later. Well, that’s annoying.

Meanwhile, over on BritBox, there’s a new series of Shetland, minus Jimmy Perez and with a new DI, played by Ashley Jensen. Despite loving the scenery, I’ve never been a huge Douglas Henshall fan, so worth a punt.

Oh, for fuck’s sake. One episode a week? What’s the matter with you? The whole point of a streaming service is not having to wait a week for the next episode. What is it you don’t understand about this concept?

Mid-December and The Crown is out of the way, so time to ditch Netflix and resubscribe to Apple. Settle down for some Jackson.

What the actual fuck? Every episode except the last one and I have to wait weeks for that? You are killing me, Apple. (Sidebar: Nice to see Gary Oldman was nominated for a best actor Golden Globe, even if he didn’t win.)

Oh, what’s this? A second series of Reacher on Prime?

Only four episodes? I’m sure the first series was longer. And of course it was, as is this one. Eight episodes, the final four of which are going to be drip fed out over a month. Fuck. (Sidebar: I’m not saying Alan Ritchson is a great actor, because he certainly is not, but at least he actually looks like Reacher, unlike Tom Thumb Cruise.)

With Slow Horses finally finished and Hijack with Idris Elba (phwoar) watched, it’s probably time to ditch Apple. Oh, but wait, what’s this? A new series, Criminal Record, with Peter Capaldi and Cush Jumbo? 

Definitely worth a punt and it’s only two episodes. Oh, ha, ha. Of course it isn’t. It’s three episodes and I have to wait a week for the third. Odd number of episodes. Oh, ha, ha. There’s a fourth and I have to wait until next Wednesday to see that. That better be it.

Let me repeat. The whole point of a streaming service is not having to wait a week for the next episode. What is it you don’t understand about this concept?