Bloody computers

When I found myself chatting to one of the IT guys at the 2002 Greenpeace Christmas party, I told him my personal laptop was running at the pace of a snail and asked if he had any advice. He asked me what the make and year were. I told him. (1996 IBM Thinkpad.) “I know exactly what you need to do,” he said. “Really?” I asked, momentarily elated by the thought that there might be some simple fix to the problem. “Yes,” he said, bursting my bubble. “You need to open the window, pick the laptop up and throw it out the window.” Bollocks.

Okay, I know it’s not a laptop, but you get the idea.

Once again, two (or possibly three) laptops later, I have a computer which has for some time now borne a striking resemblance to a snail. Doing anything on it – particularly anything involving the internet – drives me round the bend, but I soldier on.

Earlier this year I took my laptop to one of the computer guys on the island, because it wasn’t starting up properly. Of course it started up just fine when he switched it on. I swear these guys have some sort of magic dust on their fingertips. Despite having a fair idea what the answer would be, I asked if there was anything, anything at all that I could do to speed the bloody thing up. Short answer no. Apparently my 2011 laptop has only one processor. (Short break while he explains what the hell a processor is.) Newer computers have mulitple processors. Lucky new computers.

Excuse me for a moment whilst I climb up onto my old fogey soapbox, but I remember a time when things were built to last.

Slow as molasses, the sound hasn’t worked for at least three years, the battery stopped taking a charge months ago. Facts must be faced. This will soon be an ex-computer. It is nearly ready to start pushing up daisies.

Assuming I could afford a new laptop (which I can’t, but let’s pretend), I’d welcome suggestions about value for money options. Do not suggest a Mac. I definitely can’t afford one of those and wouldn’t buy one even if I could afford it.

Over to you.