Trump resigns, flees prosecution

US politics took a dramatic turn last night with news of President Donald J. Trump’s resignation. Although facts are still being confirmed, the following is known.

At approximately 11pm (EST) last night, President Trump was warned by his Attorney General, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, that a warrant was being issued for the president’s arrest on charges of espionage and treason.

President Trump immediately tweeted: “America SO ungreatful. BAD!”

He then contacted General Joseph F. Dunford, the head of the joint chiefs, demanding that martial law be implemented immediately. General Dunford advised the president that the only current perceived threat to the safety of the nation was President Trump himself, stating further that no commander in the armed services would be likely to accept and enforce this order.

At midnight President Trump’s private jet arrived at Dulles airport. Soon afterwards a limousine arrived on the tarmac. President Trump and his daughter Ivanka emerged and boarded the plane, which departed shortly afterwards.

At 1am another limousine arrived at the tarmac. Passengers Steve Bannon, Sean Spicer and Kellyanne Conway were reportedly in a highly agitated state when informed that the Trump plane had departed without them. None have been available for comment since their limousine sped away from the airport.

No flight plan for the plane was filed, but radar tracked it to Sevastopol airport in Crimea. Satellites monitored President Trump and Mrs. Kushner as they disembarked and were driven to a large seafront villa.

According to initial on the ground research, it appears that ownership of the villa – known as План B (“Plan B”) – was recently transferred to President Trump from a Russian oligarch known to have close ties to Vladimir Putin.

A source in the White House reveals that a short letter was found on the desk in the Oval Office. Insisting on anonymity, the source disclosed the contents as: “Dear America, You all suck and don’t deserve me. I quit. Donald J. Trump.”

Awoken in the early hours of the morning and informed that he was about to be sworn in as the forty-sixth President of the United States, Vice-President Mike Pence was overheard murmuring, “Finally we can get back to the things that really matter to Americans: transgender bathrooms and female reproduction.”

In a bizarre turn of events, the swearing in of Vice-President Pence was interrupted by the arrival of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell who demanded to speak to House Leader Paul Ryan. Our White House source, who overheard parts of this conversation, says the gist appeared to be that Republicans aren’t actually very good at governing and fare better in re-election when they have a worthy – and hated – opponent in the Oval Office.

Still in his pyjamas and dressing gown, Vice-President Pence was told he could go back to bed.

An hour later, an even more dishevelled than usual Senator Bernie Sanders arrived at the White House and was sworn in as Trump’s successor.

By daybreak, President Sanders had rescinded every one of his predecessor’s executive orders and requested the resignation of Trump’s entire cabinet. Several cabinet members are rumoured to have requested immunity from prosecution.

Not far from the White House, it is rumoured that Michelle Obama did not immediately decline President Sanders’ request to serve as his vice-president.

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Happy April Fool’s Day.