What the hell was I thinking?

A couple of days ago, after I wrote my last entry, I posted that chart on Facebook.

With the comment: “What the fuck does this mean? Seriously, what the fuck? (Other, apparently, than I need to find a lot of songs in E minor.)” It was a rhetorical question really. I know what it’s supposed to mean. I just couldn’t make any sense of it. 

People obviously thought I was genuinely asking, because there were a flurry of replies I assume were meant to be helpful.

Such as: “The 6th string (low E) is on the left in these diagrams. Think of your guitar lying flat with the head where the chord name is. Black circles are where you put your fingers. Strings with O above them are strummed, along with the fingered strings. Strings with X above them are not strummed.”

And: “E minor is the most beautiful key. But these are the chords, not the key. They are different. Maybe you need just a smidgen of music theory to understand what you are doing? Guitar is complicated and it helps to have an orientation with a bit of theory so you understand? Guitar is not a single note melody instrument, so it is not really something you can do by ear without understanding the chord theory.”

Could that second one be less helpful? That is also a rhetorical question, because the answer clearly is no it could not. If anything it just made me want to throw in the towel completely.

Notes? Keys? Chords? I have no fucking idea what the difference is.

Which reminded me of something that happened decades ago. John (my kinda fella at the time) and I were in a bar in Hamburg or Oslo or somewhere a business trip had taken us and were trying to convince a colleague that the Ramones were the dog’s bollocks. We started singing ‘I Wanna Be Sedated’. As we were singing I was aware of something changing in John’s voice, so I tried to adjust. After a minute or so he stopped, looked at me and said, “I’ve changed key three times and I still can’t figure out what the hell key you are singing in.” I just burst out laughing and said, “Key? I have no fucking key. I have no idea what a fucking key is.” 

And I don’t. I know I’m not completely tone deaf, because I can actually hear when a bum note has been played or sung, but don’t ask me to demonstrate how to hit the right one. (At one of my schools, where participating in the choir was mandatory, I was one of those kids who are told to stand at the back and sing quietly. I got the picture. At least I wasn’t told to lip sync.)

Joe’s response was this image.

To which I replied, “Yeah, that’s what’s worrying me.” (Wait! Does this mean there actually is physics involved? I am so screwed.)

This was the only useful response I got: “Maybe micro-dosing would help to ‘play around’ and enjoy guitar playing?!? You would ‘sensitize’ your ears and have the enjoyment of just ‘playing around’, improvise.” That one earned a love emoji. I think she might be on to something.

Eventually Ben (the elusive guitar magician) piped in with his own version of the chart.

To which I replied: “Oh, well, that’s clear as fucking mud. Thanks.”

To which he replied: “The left hand side of the box is the low end strings, the thick ones, the top when you’re holding the guitar in playing posture. Open circles mean the string is plucked open, without being fretted anywhere, natural. Exes mean that the string is muted or not played (not played, in most cases). The nut is the thing between the fretboard and the head of the guitar, the little piece of plastic or in your case, bone, which holds the strings and sets the scale length. The dots on the strings closest to the nut are going to be with your first finger and then the rest should fall into place naturally. If it’s a third and fourth finger, one above the other, as in the case of barre chords, the third most times goes above the fourth (where you can, use the third finger for both and then the fourth can be ready for trills and other intermediate level techniques. In the case of ‘A’, you may be inclined to use your first, second and third fingers in a descending order toward the skinniest string. Refrain from this: use your first finger for the middle string your second finger for the top and your third finger to go underneath. This allows you to plant your forefinger and move seamlessly from D to A to E, and most of their variations. Check this out and see if it’s still clear as fucking mud!” 

To which I replied: “Clear as fucking mud and now my head hurts.” And it does.

What the hell was I thinking, back in January, asking Ben if he could teach me to play Für Elise on the guitar? Seriously, what the hell? A moment of pure insanity. (What the hell was he thinking when he said yes? He clearly didn’t understand that it was possible for someone to be as completely clueless as I am.)

On Sunday, knowing I could probably still read very, very basic sheet music, I did a Google search for ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star’. And, yes, I could read it and I did manage to plunk out a recognisable version. (Well, I can recognise it.) Yesterday I thought, okay, if I can manage three notes, could I manage five? More Googling revealed that – oh, my goodness – ‘Ode to Joy’ only involves five notes. Looked for the music and quickly realised all I could find was piano music. Fuck. That was probably what I was using for ‘Twinkle, Twinkle’, had I thought about it. What worked for the first clearly would not work for the second. (I tried.) I’m sure there must be guitar sheet music for ‘Ode to Joy’ (why wouldn’t there be?), but I’m equally sure this would involve, you know, fucking chords.

I am not generally one to give up on something before I’ve even started. (Normally I’ll give it a day or two to get frustrated, before walking away.) But I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that this is insane.